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Prelude: This is the
work of a quite a few hours, from around December of 2001 till around
December of 2002, representing what I thought at the time. However, I
find most things here to be the thoughts of an angry adolescent, not how
I think today, as represented in The Way Things Are. However, many,
including myself, still find them humorous, so enjoy.
"But that's just my opinion, and I may be wrong."
Dennis Miller
"Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has 'em, and they all
stink." Fallout 2.
This is the world as I see.
A lot of things today don't make sense, are just dumb, or just deserve
to be taken out back and shot, and well, I suppose that's why I'm here.
Well, in a metaphorical sense, being that I'm to young to own a gun and
all. However, a
gatling bb
gun, is indeed a viable option.
Some of these may make it to become entries in the children's book
I'm making: Things That Suck Nuts: A-Z.
Disclaimer:
If you are any of things that I am complaining about, I'm sorry to
offend you, and this is just my opinion, I may be wrong. Besides, it's
all in good fun. well, most of it, anyways.
A |
B
| C
| D | E |
F
| G
| H
| I
| J
| K |
L | M
| N |
O
| P
| Q
| R
| S
| T |
U
|
V |
W
|
X |
Y | Z
A:
Awkward Silences: You just have to
hate these. You know, when you're talking to someone who you don't
really know well, or haven't seen for a long time, and you have no idea
what the hell to say, so you just sit/stand there not saying anything
except for the occasional, uneasy, laugh. Those suck. They're pretty
easy to get out of though, especially if you're funny. As I'm
bordering on being egotistic here, I'll just shut up.
Ambivalence:
The feeling of two contradicting
emotions about the same thing. That just sucks. Happens quite often with
me. For example, these days it's impossible to be sure whether or not
you like someone. You know, it's hard to tell if you're friends with
someone, because all to many of people are really nice to you sometimes,
and complete jerks a moment later.
B:
Bonus Miles: "Sir, your groceries
come to a grand total of two dollars and
ninety-three cents. Do you want to use your bonus miles card?" The whole
concept seems pretty stupid to me. I mean, if you have the amount of
money you have to pay to get enough miles to go anywhere, you won't
really have to worry about the price of the tickets anyway. They should
change the name to fit the majority of us- Bonus Centimeters Card. And
we might as well make the name completely true- Bonus Centimeters Square
of Plastic. Catchy, isn't it? "Buy a new Penguin Refrigeration System
(TM), and you can go from your bedroom to your bathroom for free!
*Outhouses excluded."
Brownnosers:
People who change their personalities (in public) so people like
them more. I'm not talking about being nicer to everybody or anything.
I'm talking about acting way too nice, watching your language all the
time, always watching what you say. Namely around someone you want to
have a relationship with. First of all it just pisses me off when people
abandon their long term friends for other people that they like more at
the moment. They're always gonna go back to their old friends almost
always, because they don't act like themselves around the other people.
And the main reason they do that is because they're afraid they won't
like them if they act normally. But if they don't like who you really
are, do you really want to be with them? If you ask me that's why most
relationships end up getting shit-canned. People lie about who they
really are, then lie about other stuff sending it on a downward spiral
to relationship hell.
Bronze Medals:
What's the deal with bronze medals
anyway? They're the worst of the best. Honestly, I'd rather get no medal
than a bronze. At least then I won't be the worst in
anything. I'd be the best of the not-so-good. I'd be another
unnoticeable among the overflowing sea of losers, rather than the guy
who now gets to walk around with a lump of atomic number 47 hanging
around his neck.
Bin Laden:
Seriously, just because he's mad about us being richer than his people
doesn't mean that he has to be a shit about it and kill 5,000
civilians. And what did the stupid moron accomplish besides pissing us
off and banding us together? All he did was awaken the "Sleeping Giant"
once more. And I'm not gonna even get into the whole "bin-Laden Molests
a Goat!" article in Jihad Bi-Weekly. Screw bin-Laden, and his
crazy video tapes.
C: Can't
hurt...:
Have you ever heard someone say that something
"can't hurt?" Bull shit. There's some way you can hurt somebody with
anything. I mean if you had enough time on your hands, you could
kill someone with marshmallow fluff. Think about little things- "Do you
want a toy with that happy meal?" "Sure, it can't hurt." Yea, they can't
hurt, but they can kill children under three. You know, I honestly can't
think of how to phrase this.
Chain E-mails:
Everyone who has (a) friend (s) and has
been online for more than a week has gotten one of those e-mails that
says something like "You have 13 seconds to send this e-mail to 4 people
you know or you'll never get to roll in the hay again," or something
along those lines. No that's not really a problem, but when they start
saying "Send this e-mail to 25 people or your genitals will rot," I
start having a problem. The first one's hard enough- sending e-mails to
4 people is pretty hard with this screwed internet- but 25 people? Man,
I don't know 25 people, much less 25 people who now how to turn
computers on!
Chunky soup:
Chunky-frigging-soup. You know, that crap
that they advertise on TV, that you need a steak knife to eat? A
message to the people at Campbell's: Soup is supposed to be a liquid,
not a solid. I mean this stuff is like trying to eat Jell-O that's been
left on the North Pole a couple Ice Ages. And for those of us who are
rather slow, it's hard to eat. And yes, I speak from experience.
D: Disney:
The Disney movies were okay at first, you know, the originals were
great for young kids. Hell, I watched Aladdin last week. That Jasmine is
one hot tamale. Seriously. Well, no, not seriously. But enough
is enough. They're making a sequel to everything. They have Cinderella
2. What the hell is up with that? I thought she lived happily ever
after? That's not exactly a cliffhanger ending.
Druggies:
You have to hate people who have nothing better to do than get
high/stoned. Sure, do them if you want, but do something else too.
Listing your occupation as "Crack Fiend" isn't gonna get you anything.
Not even more crack. Don't do drugs and make your life go up in smoke.
(Good catch phrase, huh?)
E: Earth
Science:
Earth Science sucks major ass. If it wasn't for my
great teacher, it would have been unbearable. The practical exam is in
two weeks, and guess what we have to do. Identify rocks. When are we
gonna use that? "Oh no, I'm lost in the woods. If I could just remember
Earth Science, maybe I could figure out which kind of rocks I could
eat?" "Damn! My TV's broken. Which kind of rock can I use to fix it? Oh
yeah! Imfugging Braindead!" When, in our entire 72.6 year life
spans, are we gonna need to know the difference between bituminous and
anthracite coal? The sad thing is, I still know it.
It could be just me, and it probably is,
but when ever I think of an earth science teacher being young, I alwas
see some little kid, who's 6 years old and already is pimply and has
glasses, talking to his pet rocks. Quite the Casanova, indeed.
Extra Careful People:
Don't you just hate people with no sense of
adventure. Those people who take no risks. Like people who study their
asses off for tests. Now, don't think I don't want good grades, but half
the fun of taking the tests is the excitement of completely and totally
guessing half the questions. The other half is laughing at people who
studied, and still got worse than you. Or people who are totally
freaked about germs. You know, this may sound cliché, but its true:
What's the point in living if you don't live?
F: Fast Food
Restaurants:
Now, don't get me wrong, I love McDonalds and KFC
just as much as the next guy, probably more, But have you noticed
that white people work at Taco Bell and Mexican people work at
McDonalds? Isn't that frigging weird? I mean, don't Mexican
people have a slightly better idea of how to make Mexican food?
Fortune Cookies:
I opened a fortune cookie tonight, but
the fortune was in reverse, and it had the "How to Learn Chinese" thing
on it and it said "See you soon." Thinking it's the fortune, I figure it
like some message from beyond the grave, a get pissed because I thought
the y were attempting to politely inform me that I was the target of
their next improperly prepared blowfish. Then I flipped it over to look
for the "speak Chinese in 30 seconds" and realized my mistake. Then I
saw my fortune, which pissed me off even more: "You are modest." In case
the people who make the fortunes don't realize, "You are modest" doesn't
exactly classify as a fortune, even on its good days. You don't need to
be an English Literary Professor to know that putting an adjective,
preposition, and noun in a sentence isn't exactly worthy of the title
"Fortune". You know, these fortunes cookies just get worse and worse.
The other day I opened one up and it said "Get Your fortune at
www.fortunecookie.com." Then I go
there, and I can't even get a fortune.
I got another fortune which I partially liked, actually. "You have a
charming wit." Fits, I suppose. But on the back it told me how to say "I
am a divorce lawyer." I guess the Chinese have a pretty narrow target
for their cookies. Also, I got two fortune cookies the other day, and
they both said the same thing. What're the chances?
Fanatics:
You know, I hate fanatics. I don't care what the hell you're fanatic
about, cause that's god-damned stupid. I myself used to be a fanatic of
sorts about Star Wars, so maybe this I hate of fanatics is some sort of
strange self-hate. Who knows. Hate them so much, we're actually starting
an Anti-Fanatics club. Known as the AK3, Or Anti-Klu Klux
Klan.
G: Grand Total:
In places like Vegas, or even the
supermarket, no matter what the number is it's always a "grand
total". People play the nickel slot machines and win they win you hear
on the announcer- "*Ccchhh* We have a winner of five dollars and thirty
five cents.*Cheering*" Then, they bring that big ass check out
for $5.35. Or in the "grocery repository"- "Sir, your groceries come to
a grand total of two dollars and ninety-three cents." The
question is, why?
Generation Bullshit:
I don't understand this generation crap.
People always say that they "love this new generation." What generation?
I have cousins who are in this generation, but they're thirty years old.
so why is it "our generation?" And when is our generation? When does it
end? Some people in "this generation" have already had kids. Does that
mean our generation is over? Is they're
like some limit? "Only 10 more seconds! It's almost a new generation!
9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1... happy New Generation!" Simply put,
no. If you ask me a generation should be 10-20 years. Actually, let's
just abolish the use of the word and use decade from now on. This
generation stuff is bullshit. Or bullcrap, if you prefer.
Good Morning New York, at
5:30AM:
Nothing on TV should have the words "Good Morning"
and "at 5:30" in the title. 1st of all, the only reason you should get
up at 5:30 is if you have to be somewhere so you shouldn't be watching
TV, much less a News Program. And if you're just up at five, as in you
haven't slept, then there is no way you should be watching the news. And
besides, if you're up at 5:30 you're not having a "Good" morning. you're
either having a "Long"/"Great" Night, or a horrible Morning. Or you're
outside watching one of those damned meteor showers, in your boxers, in
32o weather. And as if anything interesting happens at 5:30.
But the sad thing is, I constantly find myself watching it.
H:
Hot, but stupid/asshole, chicks:
Now, I'm just voicing a widely known fact that most of the really hot
girls are either stupid bitches or stupid assholes. Now, occasionally
there'll be the rare gem who is neither a bitch nor an asshole, and
that's a good thing. Now I'm not saying that there are no hot but nice
and smart girls, there are a lot of them, I'm just saying that the
really hot girls are mostly assholes. (Or just as intelligent as a
squirrel who snorts laundry detergent.)
I:
Ice Cream Trucks:
I swear, Ice Cream trucks are oxymoronic. They
always come at the exact time you can't go to them. Today, at around 7,
I'm taking a shower, and I hear the Ice Cream truck music, but I figure,
"Who cares, I'm not getting out." Then, when I'm getting out, I hear it
again, so I grab my wallet and run out, but not quick enough. So I go
back inside, plop on the sofa and take off my shoes. As soon as I put my
wallet down, the music comes back. Now, that's worse than irony, its
plain bad luck. .
Intelligent People:
Now, I'm not talking about just normal
intelligent people or even naturally intelligent people, (like me=) I'm
talking about those people who study their whole lives away and spend 3
hours on a worksheet that takes 4 minutes to do. Now that's just stupid,
like so many other things. For example, yesterday the homework I had was
5 lines long, while the "intelligent" person next to mine's paper is 3
pages! It was like 100 times longer than mine, but with the exact same
amount of information.
J: Junk Mail:
One of my e-mail accounts gets
over 200 e-mails a day. And If I'm lucky, one of them may be from
someone I know. That was because I was naive when I first came online,
and then after I realized my mistakes, I just figured the hell with it,
perpetuating the problem. Then I get a junk blocker, but they make me
register it, so now I get double. Isn't that just fun?
K: Kids who
said "Your Epidermis is showing":
Remember those kids who said (say) "Ha Ha! Your Epidermis is showing!"
And then you'd be like checking your fly, looking at your ass, checking
to see what the hell they're talking about when all the sudden they say
"Stupid! Your Epidermis is your skin!" Then, you're like "Wtf??", but
you're still embarrassed. But then the kid keeps on saying it, even
after the whole world knows what it means, and suddenly he finds himself
being the star of "Piñata: The Sequel" Screw those kids. (Not literally,
of course. We leave that to the priests.)
Ku Klux Klan Members:
Any racism is fucking stupid. And
running around in white sheets is even stupider. I mean, the white
supremacist bastards can't even spell clan right. What does that tell
you about white supremacy?
L: (Fake) Love:
Love in itself does not suck, nor does
much related to it, besides head, which literally does, but I do hate
people who rave and rant about being in love, when really they're just
in it for the sex. I don't have anything against just being in it for
the sex, but the fact that they pretend that they are in love pisses me
off, although its none of my business. Sure, it pisses people off, but
I always say to do what your good at. Actually, I don't. But anyways, a
prime example of someone who is like this is, my friend, Andrew. (http://www.angelfire.com/retro/revolt)
see also: Mr. Universe.
M:
Movies:
Now, I shouldn't really be saying this, as
I (think of) myself as a budding director, writer and film maker, but
they make movies just plain bad. Now the movies themselves are fine,
(half the time) but having to pay 40 dollars to have a Coke, some
popcorn and watch a movie is quite typical of our failing economy, but
that doesn't decrease the amount that it blows. Not in any way, shape,
or form. Damn the extortionist prices of movie-going.
Masochists:
People who hurt themselves for
pleasure. ie) People who have sex on broken glass. That's bordering on
earning you the right to compete in the Special Olympics, even if you
like pain. Sure you'll have the greatest fetish sex you've ever had, but
heck, you'll sure as hell regret it afterwards. Enough said.
N:
Nine O'clock news at Nine:
My big complaint with this one is the
title. "Oh, the nine O'clock news is at nine. I always thought it
started at 3:36."
Nosy/Controlling People:
People who try to get into other
people's lives and business and control them. Like some parents. People
who make rules on what people can and can't say or do. People like
Nazis. Like people who say they kids can't fucking swear. Do parents
actually think that telling their kids not to swear has any effect
whatsoever? Why do people have the urge to control other people's
thoughts? It's just fucking retarded. Especially here, in the US of A,
where freedom of speech is the rule of thumb. So go back to helping
yourself to the lube and leave us alone, all you Nazi dickheads.
Nazis:
"Nazis. I hate these guys." Indiana
Jones in The Last Crusade. He says it all.
O:
Orthodontists: I don't hate
the people so much as the experience. It's the same as the dentist,
really, except you don't usually leave the dentist with enough metal in
your mouth to create a life-size duplicate of the Empire State building,
for whatever diabolical you may indeed have. But for me, the worst part
is the Novocaine. I hate having that numb feeling, but I'm not a fan of
writhing in pain either. Of course, every time I go, and the dentist's
assistant happens to be, well, you know, I decide to prove my
macho-ness, and say, "Nah, who needs Novocaine?" Meanwhile flexing my
muscles inconspicuously, and flashing a sly smile. Well, that's how it
should be. Instead about 7 and a half seconds in, he just decides (I
tell him to) stab me with the Novocaine needle and I end up half chewing
off my lip later when I'm eating. But all's fair in love and dentistry,
eh?
"Organic" Foods:
What exactly makes an organic apple so
super-special? Sure, they don't have pesticides, but is that a plus?
Sure, you may think so now, but when a maggot crawls out of that apple
you just took a bite out of, pesticides are gonna be looking mighty fine
indeed.
P:
"Psychics": Miss
Cleo. You know, the lady on TV with a napkin on her head? Miss "Call me
now foah' yoah' free readin'"? The predictions are shit. They're always
like "You will go to work" or "I sense you own a phone." They're so bad
that she probably made a living writing fortune cookies before she "hit
it big." And if you try to prove her wrong they sound more like "I
"sense" that you'll have both kneecaps brutally bashed in by two men
wearing shirts that say "Gun's don't kill people, people kill people." I
mean just because you permanently belong in a loony bin doesn't mean you
have to take it out on us poor, lost souls.
Parades:
Yay, people are walking in a line down the street.
Want to see people walking in a line? Go to a theater, a cafeteria, or a
fair. People in moving lines there, why's no one watching them in
excitement? Or what about those ones with the big balloons? Head over
to the grocery store, I'm sure they can find their weekly allotment of a
And if you just have to see the big balloons, there's this mystical
invention called a Television. Watch it. Balloons of Giant OD'd Cartoon
Characters=Fun for the whole family? Since when?
Q: Questions
that don't even deserve answers:
You know, brain-dead questions. Got no
patience for them at all. Questions like- Why do cows moo? The sky is
blue? Why? Also questions that sound stupid unless you think about them.
Like- What are you wearing? Clothes. What are you eating? Food. What are
you reading? Literature. What's on TV? Porn. I mean, asking questions
like that is only gonna get you a brick in your face. Or maybe an
answer, but the brick in your face thing sounds better.
R:
Roman/Greek Mythology Family Trees:
Greco-Roman mythology's family tree
is like Jerry Springer on crack. I mean, these gods and gals must live
in the trailer park of the galaxy. It's called Arkansas. But, how
can Greece and Rome become some of the greatest
civilizations ever, if they worship gods who undoubtedly have webbed
feet and toes, walk around bare-footed, with a piece of straw between
their bucked teeth, and only wearing suspenders?
Restrooms, Public: I hate public
bathrooms. Besides the lack of hygiene, the whole concept pisses me off.
Now, I'm not talking about those one-person bathrooms- those are fine.
I'm talking about the one's with stalls and everything. I mean, those
things give you so little privacy, that you might as well be shitting on
the field in the middle of the Super Bowl. I mean, great, they put up
little walls, but the toilet is below them and they're only like 4 feet
high. Adding to that, is the completely lack of sound-related privacy
and broken locks. In other words, don't have any anal explosions in one
of these things. And the urinals don't even have partial stalls most of
the time. But then again, I guess a crappy stall is better than no stall
at all. Pun intended. F
S: Sports,
The Major: You know what pisses me
off? Well, a lot of things, but the pointlessness of Football, Baseball,
Basketball, and Hockey. It's so stupid. Why do they have to make them so
complicated? They should just make them nice, simple, and easy to
understand. To understand all the retarded rules in football you have to
have a PHD in Having Your Head Up Your Ass. Is this really necessary?
T:
Tragedies, Greek:
Mainly, Medea, as it's the only one I'm familiar with. Is it just
me, or is Medea darn close to being the biggest bitch of the ancient,
and modern, world? I can just see Jason, her husband, forgetting to
bring home milk one day, and her beating the kids. But she seems
crazier than that. I can see her just doing little things. Minor things,
like putting carpet cleaner in the kid's cereal rather than milk,
lathering Jason's sandwiches with rat poison rather than mustard, and
lacing his lemonade with arsenic. Like I said, just little things that
get on your nerves.
And does the madness stop there? No, my fine sirs and madams, it
does not. In fact, that could be viewed simply as the beginning. A
back-story, even. To complete the back-story, as it is, it ends with
Medea fleeing from Jason, to the stronghold that is Athens. He promises
to get her, and the story ends. Now, the real plot, or lack of one,
begins. His children are dead. His wife is insane. He is angry.
Sylvester Stallone is Jason: Greek Style.
The trailer continues, showing Stallone, decked out in Greek
legionary armor, complete with the feathered helmet, holding an M-16
Carbine in each hand. And when Jason gets mad, he gets
even. Back to Stallone, destroying the entire Athenian
army with a combination of old school Rocky combat, and horrendous
grammar.
Thurmond, Strom: Have you
heard of this guy? He's a 99 year old Congress-man. Do you understand?
Can anyone say "too-fucking-old-to-be-in-a-position-of-any-authority?" I
mean, who the hell voted for him? The only things he's gonna vote for
are Medicaid and Federal Funding of Viagra Research. It was his 100th
birthday on December 5th 2002.
U: Un-based
Dislike/Hatred: People who have this are high-up on my
list of people who should get a job at a slaughter house and get married
to Medea. Basically people who are prejudiced about
things. People who don't like certain types of games without trying
them, such as sports or RPGs. But, one of the sweetest things in life is
proving to one of these people that they're wrong.
V:
Vanilla Coke:
You ever tasted this? Tastes like they put dog
shit in a blender, set it on "Purée", and put it in the bottle. And the
commercials say "Reward your Curiosity." Sure, if you're a masochist.
Now if you like it, that's great, but I still say that it tastes like
some one loosened their bowels in a can and added some soda water. You
know what that equals? The most foul drink your tongue will ever lay
it's taste buds on. Actually, I take that back. That award goes to pond
scum. But Vanilla Coke does come in a close second.
W: Weather
Forecasts:
Jesus, the weather forecasting business is even
worse off than the fortune cookie business. They forecast a blizzard,
get ready to go to the beach. And you know, when they say to expect 2-3
feet of snow and they say that there'll assuredly be at least 1
day of school canceled and it ends up being a heat wave, it can get
pretty aggravating.
X:
Xylophone: I don't have any
problems with the instrument, just the word. If there was a contest for
the most dumass (ever seen that commercial?) word ever, this word
would've placed 1st and 2nd, with bookkeeper in 3rd. (Its the only word
with 3 double letters in a row.) I mean, Xy should not sound like Z no
matter what, and combining that with Ph- is just retarded. Phuck
those stupid spellings.
Y: Yuppies:
Now, not really yuppies in particular, just people with too much
money for their own good. I mean people these days buy cars that cost
upwards of 100,000 dollars. Think about it. that's 2000 games. 2000.
That's like a lifetime supply of games, from shitty to shiny. These
people wear those really fancy watches. You know, Rolex, that kind of
shit. Personally, I'd be happy with a sundial on my arm for a watch, but
these people are trying to carry around Fort Knox on their wrists.
Z:
Zippers: Well aren't
these little things annoying? They always get stuck, don't close, or
worse, if you're a guy, they get caught on something. And isn't that a
bitch? I mean besides the blood, it hurts! And the aftermath is worse
than accidentally trying to use super glue as a lubricant. If you don't
get that, your loss. Not that I speak from experience...
Disclaimer: Everything here is just
my opinion, so don't get mad if I make fun of something you like, or
something you are. Hey, you can't help it if you're a horrible human
being. Disclaimer Disclaimer: That was a joke. Lighten up, man.
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