Home

Blog

About

Features

EGADS

Sea Monkeys

Comedy Gold

Lore

Rhetoric

Misc

Entertainment

Linkage

Forum

Contact

Entry 20- 07.26.04- Luxembourg: A while ago I was talking with someone about Luxembourg. You know, that itsy-bitsy country sandwiched in between everyone’s favorite polar opposites: France and Germany. On one side, The Country Formerly Known as “BLITZKRIEG EVERYONE ALL THE TIME/The Fatherland,” and on the other, the country that has refined surrendering to an art, France. The population is a blend of French and German, so I remarked that I’d like to see them involved in an international conflict. They’d Blitzkrieg the country, take the Capital, and then unconditionally surrender.
            It was a couple minutes before I remembered that my grandma was from Luxembourg.

 Entry 19- 07.06.04- Too Much Time: A lot of people have told me that I have too much time on my hands. Now, that’s just a bold-faced lie. I may have a lot of other things on my hands, but certainly not time. I don’t not update for months at a time just because I’m an ass, you know. It may play a large role, but there are other factors, namely the aforementioned lack of time.
     I also like how the main reason people say I have too much time on my hands is because I find an abundance of oddball, humorous links during my idle time on the internet, as opposed to lol’ing it up on AIM. Gah, who am I kidding, I do that at the same time. If my computer can multitask, so can I.

  Entry 18- 07.03.04- On Presidents: I remember back in 2000, when I was 10, hearing on the news about how we were going to have a 5 trillion dollar budget surplus because of Bill Clinton. I’m not sure whether it was because it was so sexy, or if he made a lot of extra dough playing his sax on the street, but he was doing something right. Anyways, here we are, 4 years and 5 trillion dollars in deficit later, and what do we have to show for it? Basically, the best thing related to the Oval Office that’s happened recently is the release of Bill Clinton’s autobiography. Irony?

  Entry 17- 06.08.04- You Got Served Again: Takin' it to the Man: Those crazy dancing rascals from the hood are up to their dancing antics again! This time, they're going to Washington to try and serve The Man. Watch out, Whitey! Uh-oh. Looks like Vice President Cheney just got served! Check on the moves on National Security Advisor Rice! She is one fly motha'! (This is quickly becoming the "Movies I'd Like to See Made So I Could Laugh At Them " section.)

  Entry 16- 06.07.04- The Germinator: From the people who brought you Schindler's List 2: Schindler's Pissed, a brand new, action packed, full of action, actiony, actiontastic action-movie: The Germinator. He's a high-tech German robot from the future who has traveled back in time with one purpose: to fuck plants.

  Entry 15- 05.25.04- Intelligence Osmosis: I don't like being around stupid people. Besides the fact that they're pretty painful to be around, I'm a believer of science. Things go from areas of high concentration to lower concentration, and hence my worry. I don't want my high intelligence seeping out into any nincompoop's head, so from now on, I'm going to keep a smart-people buffer around me at all times. Thank god that intelligence can't cross the popular culture membrane, or we'd all be dumb as rock-shit.

  Entry 14- 05.18.04- MAD TV: I don't really have much to say about this, given that I don't really like it, hence I rarely watch it. I have however, seen it numerous times, despite my best efforts, and every single episode I've seen has featured at least one character with a speech impediment. Now, don't get me wrong, people who talk differently that I do are hilarious, but I think the fact that they have one in every skit tells you something about the quality of their material. For the slow ones out there, I'm saying that they make people talk funny because they can't write funny.

   Entry 13- 05.11.04- Lovely Spam: "Get more inches in your pants!" I'm not exactly sure how this one works. How is having a few inches in my pants make me more attractive? I didn't know that girls dig rulers.

   Entry 12- 05.04.04- Being a Super-Hero: I couldn't get to sleep the other night, so I thought to myself, what would be the best, and most practical, super power? At the moment, I'm thinking "Super-Fast man." Not "Done in 10 Seconds" kind of fast, just super fast. I really don't care about being fast so I could save the world, because I have more important things to do. Namely, buying candy. I thought about it for a while, since I take forever to fall asleep, and I figured out that if you have candy, everything else works itself out. So, if I was super fast, whenever I had a problem, I'd just go buy some Sour Patch Kids or Gummi Bears, and they'd figure out the rest. Heck, I probably  could save the world, if I could get enough candy.

     Entry 11- 04.13.04- Schindler's List 2: I was mulling over the casting in this upcoming action epic, and I have reached a conclusion. The title role of the older and angrier Schindler will be played by none other than... Dennis Rodman. Liam Neeson just seems to... compassionate for the role. And besides, Dennis has the inborn ability of changing his hair color at will. Do to this unique talent, we will be easily able to costume him as the entire cast! That leaves almost all of the budget to SFX Nazi-killing! Of course, all the Nazis will be played by Dennis Rodman, but still, I mean, we get to see Dennis Rodman kill Dennis Rodman. Over and over and over again. Can anyone say, "Blockbuster?"

      Entry 10-03.30.04- Cereal Killers: "Jesus Christ! That guy just stabbed the Cap'n in the crotch! 17 times! And I think he's wearing Count Chocula's face as a mask!" Need I say more?

      Entry 9- 03.23.04- Zombies vs. America: (I'm not sure if this is really Wit, it started as joke, but the more I write about it, the more awesome an idea it really sounds. But I needed an entry, so here it is.) I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of the same old zombie movies. I mean, there can't be that much variety in zombies eating people. They always have the same dumb characters and the same plot, and I feel that they need something to spice them up. I propose Tanks. Instead of people running away from bad-ass zombies, we have people running away from bad-ass zombies, and then bad-ass zombies running away from kick-ass military might. The scenario: A massive zombie infestation is raging across America, half the country- let's say the West coast, since I'm an Easterner- is overrun. There's no corny survivors- everyone has been taken. It's only been days, or hours, but the army is getting its act together. It's a chance to see the full military might of America without having to worry about the morals behind it, or having to feel guilty about the massive carnage. I mean, come on, they're zombies. It'd be no fun to watch the Zombies just get decimated, not for long anyways, so they'll be super-strong, and they'll be nearly limitless in numbers. The humans have firepower.
     Picture this: A view from the bottom of a grassy hill. 5 tired, screaming, battered and bloody victims run over the crest, looking over their shoulders at some unseen horror. They run towards the camera, and as they get closer the camera pulls up and back, revealing a gigantic horde of zombies- think hundreds of thousands- pursuing them. You can't even see the ground, just a massive writhing mass of moving dead bodies. As they run, 3 are overtaken and the camera stops, and the two survivors run past it. Then the camera pulls back even farther, pulling close to the ground before stopping. A tank tread pulls right by, shaking the screen violently. The camera cuts to a much higher view, showing an entire phalanx of tanks advancing on the zombies. They halt, preparing to open fire. The zombies are momentarily paused, as well. Dozens of Apache, Black Hawk, and whatever the hell other kinds of helicopters there are hover overhead. Humvees, APCs, Artillery pieces- every piece of military hardware imaginable. There's a momentary standstill as the two armies stare each other down. Then, all hell breaks lose.
     I can't describe it more, but just imagine hundreds of thousands of super-strong corpses tearing apart tanks, being blown apart by rockets, bombs, machine guns, napalm- everything we've got. It's the last stand of humanity against death, and the weapons that caused so much are their only hope for survival. Imagine all the war scenes you've ever scene, combined, plus all the modern hardware, plus zombies. It'd be the most titanic and awesome battle ever. Add some character development and plot, and *poof* Best Action Movie Ever.  I am so writing this fucking script.

    Entry 8- 01.26.04- On Shampoo, and Aging: I’m not sure if any beauticians or other hair-inclined individuals read this, but I pose to a question to anyone who knows anything about hair care: Does shampoo go bad? I mean, ever? And, if so, is it dangerous if I still use it? I only ask out of care for my own well-being, of course. I have enough to deal with without my head exploding when I wash my hair, or anything equally unfortunate.
    Back to the question on hand, it came about, obviously, when I was washing my hair. Now, normally, I would have no concern about shampoo and any sort of expiratory related matters, but even I have my limits. You see, I have a bottle of Star Wars shampoo in my bathroom. Now, that’s no extraordinary matter in and of itself, and certainly no call to alarm, except that I have realized that this bottle predates Episode 1, dating it at approximately 1999.
    That’s 5 years. I have had this bottle of shampoo, in my bathroom, unfinished, for 5 years. This shampoo is more than a third of my age. I find that frightening. I’m not exactly sure how this shampoo managed to last this long, because I wash my hair every day, and I’m not sure that it’s even shampoo anymore. I think that it has become intelligent, and has, in fact, been constantly producing more and more shampoo, unbeknownst to me and other members of my household, and only my usage has kept it from overrunning the bottle, my house, and perhaps the planet. All I have to say is that when you can bathe and save the world at the same time, you know you’re cool. 

   Entry 7- Star-date 12.07.03- Free Radios: A while ago, my grandparents were sent a free radio by Time magazine, which they in turn gave to me. Now, I never thought of Time as a unreliable magazine, but apparently, it is. You see, for the past week, I've been hearing this song I like on the radio, and I haven't been able to get the name of it. So, I turned on this radio, in hopes of hearing it again and deciphering the title. However, I soon discovered that the radio is very limited in the stations that it receives. After very slowly, methodically going through the entire FM frequency, all I was able to get was a Christian Evangelical  station. Dissatisfied, I went through again. This time, the only channel I could hear sounded to be an entire station devoted to different telephone rings. There was quite a variety, and I listened for a bit, but I soon realized that it was just a short track on loop, so I kept going. I got nothing. Not one to give up easily, I buckled down and went through again. This time, the only station the radio could manage was a wholly different Evangelical radio network. Discouraged, I turned off the device. However, what I thought turned off the radio apparently tuned it into a station that broadcast the sounds of dying cats. My consternation was increased by the fact that once I thought it had finally stopped, it ended up that the animal had merely needed to catch its breath, or regain consciousness, and it soon began to wail again. Lost, I took out the batteries and put them in my flashlight, since it needed new ones anyways.
   
   Entry 6- 11.04.03- Cellular Sexuality: It's 8:14 on a Tuesday, and I just got back from seeing Brother Bear, and I'm gearing up for episode 2 of 24, but that's not really relevant to this entry. However, the first part is. Our closest theater, among many others, prefaces its features with a nice little montage of ordinary people saying what not to do in while you're there. Presuming that most of you have seen this, I will delve into the comic aspect, which I also assume many of you are familiar with.  A woman in her mid-50s brandishes her cell-phone and exclaims, "I put mine on vibrate!" The theater is always filled with laughter at this point, as am I, but I cannot help but wonder "Who is this woman?" Is she really just some woman they picked up off the street? Could I be walking down the street one day and run into her? What would I say? "Hey! I know you! You put yours on vibrate!" Would I try to pick her up? She may be old, but come on, she puts hers on vibrate! And everyone would know that I've got a new age woman! Alas, I know naught of her, so our romance, 'twas not destined. Sorry, we're doing a poetry unit in English, and I'm quickly losing my sanity.
 
   Entry 5- 10.28.03- Curious George: I was recently lacking a topic to wit upon. Luckily, I need look no further than my underwear drawer before sublime inspiration hits me in the face. I have noticed that, somehow, I am the bewildered owner of 2 pairs of Curious George boxers. I cannot honestly say that I have ever read a Curious George book, so I am thoroughly mystified as how they came in to my possession. What really makes it strange is it's presence in duplicate. I find it doubtful that anyone would buy me two pairs of Curious George boxers, meaning that they were purchases by two separate people on two separate occasions. And neither at my request, no less. And being that I have never shown any particular fondness for this monkey, no matter how lovable he is, I find it extremely weird that I own two pairs. I don't even own two pairs of boxers of things I do like. So, obviously, I am a victim of the Curious George Syndicate's newest devious plot.

    Entry 4- 10.27.03: Half-Court: I have no love for basketball, yet I enjoy attending games, at least for a short time. I don't find slam dunks exciting, I couldn't care about 3 point shots, and people can dribble all they want without catching my attention, yet I still have fun. A certain event at half-time makes it all worthwhile for me. I am speaking of the half court shot. This is a shot that I have never even seen a professional player make, yet every single time, the contestant is a very old man, usually with a cane or walker. He hobbles to half court and his handed a ball. It is then announced that if he makes 3 shots in, he wins a new car, or some other fabulous prize.  Lacking any form of upper body strength, he obviously chooses to lob it from between his legs. The first time, he almost hits the backboard. However, for the second and third shots, he is spent, and his throws do not even make it to the post. And, the best part is, the crowd boo's at this 90 year old man. People are so nice.

    Entry 3- 9.29.03: Gary Coleman: Many people focus on Ahnold as the main celebrity candidate in the California gubernatorial race. Although, by my opinion, he is the best candidate, I think some others need to be recognized. Notably, Gary Coleman. I would like to note, that since I live nowhere near California, my only interest in the election is for entertainment, but I doubt the people of California feel much different. I think that Gary Coleman would provide maximal entertainment for the voting value of the people, especially if he became Vice Governor to Arnold. Imagine, Arnold giving a speech, apparently alone on the stage. He finishes his speech, and you hear come clapping from next to him behind the pedestal. Then, he bends over and lifts Mr. Coleman onto his shoulder! He could then proceed to march down the street saying various sayings in his humorous accent. It would be the best speech. Ever. I think we would also find Gary's meetings with the state legislature quite amusing. The state congress tries to pass a bill that Gary will have nothing of- "Whatcha' talkin' 'bout Congress?!"

    Entry 2- 9.11.03: Hot & Cool: People ask me all the time, "How can you be so hot and not affect the temperature around you?" Well, they don't ask me, but I know that they're thinking it. What these people are forgetting is that I am equal parts hot and cool. So, while I am quite possibly the hottest guy ever, I'm also the coolest guy this side of the Fonz.  I'm sort of like dry ice, y'know, I'm cool as heck, but I'll still burn you. Try, anyways.

    Entry 1--9.03.03: My Career: People often ask me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Besides the fact that, although I may get larger, I will never truly grow up, I have always been at a lack for an answer. So I usually list of things that I would enjoy to do in my career. I enjoy eating baked beans and sitting around a fire. I enjoy pretending that I am a daring space traveler. I find much amusement  in pretending to be a super robot. I constantly find myself doing things in slow motion. I often buckle, try to swash, and failing that, simply yell loudly. I have fun breaking into high-tech super-bases, defeating evil villains, saving the world single-handedly, and all the while charming the pants off of any hot female I happen to encounter. I am often placed  in dangerous situations by my unerring sense of Justice and the Force, not to mention my desire to kick bad-guy ass. I also wish that I could be in command of the most powerful force in the entire world, and once I came to power, I could be as foolish as a micro-waved grain of sand, but I still got my 4 years. After saying this, I tend to get a lot of weird looks and ended conversations, so I've been thinking about reassessing my strategy.
       Here it goes. From now on, whenever I am asked that question, I will concisely reply, "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a Cowboy Astronaut Droid Matrix Secret Agent Jedi Master Pirate President!" Either they'll bow, give me all their money, be overwhelmed by my amazing foresight and sheer coolness, or simply collapse into a heap on the floor. It's a win-win-win-win situation!