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12.13.04- Contrarians: Now, don’t get me wrong, I hate the
mainstream just as much as the next guy, if not more, and I’ll gladly
support any sort of indie effort over any other, but I hate most of the
people that are a member of this sort of new-age counter-culture. It’s the
new hip thing, with the people who don’t believe in hip-ness, to be a
contrarian. And, within that category, there are even more sub-categories.
There are those who are contrary simply for the purpose of being contrary;
your proverbial asshat. Their obvious childish stupidity generally exposes
them right off of the bat, and it seems that the best option is to simply
ignore them. They would say otherwise, I’m sure, but that’s just what they
do.
Then, there are
those who are contrary simply because of their all-consuming hatred of the
mainstream. It comes at you more subtly, their apparent sophistication and
good taste lowering your guard. Make one wrong comment, however, especially
on the topic of music or movies, and they pounce. Given the opportunity,
they will usually tear you a new asshole on the flaws in your tastes. Lovely
people. It doesn’t make much sense to me. I don’t understand how
you can tell someone, seriously, that the music they like sucks. Granted, a
lot of music people like does indeed, suck, from Justin Timberlake to Jay Z,
but these people, these contrarians, have an arrogant superiority complex
that drives me crazy. That’s probably because they remind me too
much of myself.
10.26.04- Not Saying Goodbye:
Now, what’s with this, people? I don’t care if you’re on AIM, you’ve
still got obey some basic manners. Pretend like you’re talking to me on the
phone. I mean, not really, but in terms of manners, let’s try to keep it
civil. You wouldn’t just put the phone down and go take a 20 minute shit,
without saying anything, would you? You wouldn’t just hang up on someone
when you had to go somewhere, right? That’s called being rude, and in some
circles, being an inconsiderate douchebag. Then again, in some circles,
that’s probably a compliment.
However, if that sort of
cleaning is your forte, you’re probably better off not talking to me in the
first place, so spare us all some agony and please just follow this one
simple rule: If you’re going to bother to say hello, bother to say
goodbye.
10.19.04- Things to learn before you become a DDS:
Given the fact that I had to have 16 cavities filled in June, I hate the
dentist. (Before anyone yells at me, it wasn’t my fault; it was because my
teeth decalcified when I was sick.) Not as a person, just as an experience,
you know, as a profession. If anyone reading this is planning to become a
dentist, I have some words of advice for you.
1. Don’t sound aggravated every time you tell me
to open my mouth or move my head. I’m not psychic. Try keeping
your mouth open for an hour and a half while people still their pointy rods
into your gums, why don’t you?
2. Don’t shake your head and tell me I need to
brush more. I used to brush almost never, and every time they told me to
brush more, I’d do it, so now I’m doing it twice a day, like I’m supposed
to. But does that make a difference to them? No. I think it’s just part of
their greeting, now. “Hey, how are you? Brush your teeth more.”
3. Don’t act like it’s my fault that I have
cavities. You know that it’s because I was sick and malnourished, so don’t
talk to me like I’m a puppy that just shit on the rug. Please.
4. Don’t tell me to be happy. I’m giving you
money to torture me. What do I have to be happy about? It’s like asking
someone on death row to cheer up. The chair isn’t even comfortable. When I’m
done, then you can tell me to be happy. Happy because it’s over, happy
because I still have teeth, whatever. But don’t tell me to look forward to
pain, that’s not my bag. Especially when there isn't any leather involved.
5. Don’t tell kids not to eat sugar, hand out
lollypops, and then get mad because they eat sugar. That makes you retarded.
6. Don’t let your dental assistant do everything.
Scratch that, don’t let them do anything. They suck and they don’t know how
to do your job. People are paying you to clean their teeth, not to have some
old blind lady rip their gums out and not even realize it. Keep them away
from the pointy things.
7. Don’t give me those protective yellow glasses to
wear and then give me a mirror to look at my teeth. Am I supposed to be
surprised or ashamed that they look yellow? I’m wearing yellow glasses,
everything looks yellow.
10.14.04-
The Election: What can I say? By
that, I mean, what can I say that
www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com and
www.kerryhatersforkerry.com haven’t? Kerry is a pompous, arrogant
douchebag, and there’s no denying that, and I apologize to the DNC for their
bad decision, but good ole’ Curious George is just a sphincter. Don’t get me
wrong, I’m just as happy for the equal rights opportunity as everyone else,
George being the first retarded President and all, but that’s just not what
the country needs right now.
And I’m not trying to present facts and cited statements here.
This is my opinion, and not much else. I like to think that I know my stuff,
and that I’m making the right choice, but who wouldn’t? If I could vote, I’d
vote against Bush. But, I can’t.
I’m not telling you to, though. What I am telling, however, is to
make sure you don’t let the amazing right of self-determination and voting
slip through your fingers, because, for as as-backwards as we may be, it’s
one of the few things we’ve got right.
08.16.04- AVP:
Well, I saw Alien versus Predator, and let's just say that I was expecting
more. There was a grand total of about 5 minutes of actual Alien Vs.
Predator action, and that couldn't be anything less than disappointing.
There were so many scared humans that wouldn't die that it was more like
Alien 5 plus a few Predators than anything else.
07.03.04-Sitcoms:
I'd love to say that most people's lives are like sit-coms, and imply that
everyone's lives are just packed with laughs, but I don't want to be
misinterpreted. The fact is, with sitcoms, all of the laughs are
canned, and saying that someone's life is like one (these days) implies one
of two things that their life is a dying breed, being replaced by people
with edgier "reality" lives, or that their life sucks. Now, don't get me
wrong, I'm not saying all sitcoms suck (though I am saying that about
reality shows) or that there isn't someone, somewhere, who's life is
jam-packed with canned laughter. Far from it. I'd probably need to hands to
count the sitcoms I like. The problem arises when I add the qualifier "Has
been Cancelled" and I'm left with the same number.
The day that "That 70's Show" is cancelled is the day
that Armageddon starts. Continuing this metaphor, when Family Guy comes back
on the air, consider Christ returned. Also, Fox is Satan. In or out of the
metaphor.
06.14.04- Shitty Customer Service:
The host that I'm trying
to switch to has helped me immensely, and I've only been with them for
about a day. All they did was respond promptly. They didn't even fix
anything, because there wasn't anything to fix on their end, but they were
prompt and polite; I felt like I was dealing with a human being, that makes
all the difference. My old hosting company is giving me a shitty time, but I
don't feel like talking about it, at least not until I get done with it.
What I don't understand is how people, in retail,
in costumer service, or, perhaps more to the point, people going to retail,
or going to customer service, can be such giant assholes. I can't understand
how most people can be such giant dickwad-assholes in general (Not a
friendly asshole like me, just a total waste of sperm) so I'll let them go,
for now. What I'm talking about is people who are normal, sane, decent human
beings. Most of the time. But for some reason, they think that in the
interaction with strangers, with people whose job it is to interact with
people, they have permission to treat the other person (Because that
is what they are, people) as a piece of crap. It doesn't make any sense. I
don't care what you are, who you are, or what you believe in, you're still a
human being. Of course, if you act like an assmaster, or if a
total asstard, you can consider all of the aforementioned homo sapiens
privileges forfeit.
People may think that being an ass to
someone you know is worse than being an ass to someone you don't. That's a
flat-out lie. If it's someone you know, you probably have motivation, and
you'll most likely apologize or make it up to them. At the very least,
they'll have a chance to get revenge on you. But when you do it to a
stranger- a business acquaintance, a clerk, a customer, it's senseless,
pointless, and more harmful than kicking a baby. Not to mention less
funny. (Longest entry since the start? Guess
who's back, bitches.)
06.07.04- Enter The Matrix: Greatest Hits Edition: Wow. I have
lost all faith in those who choose the video-gaming Greatest Hits. I don't
care how well a game sold, if it's an unplayable piece of crap like this
thing is, it should be getting any sort of complimentary adjective, much
less a superlative such as this. This game blew so much that I returned it,
which isn't that amazing, except for the fact that I don't think I've ever
returned any other game. The controls were abhorrent, the graphics were more
jagged than a saw, and it was an even bigger letdown than the second and
third movies. The title would be much more apt if it was "Greatest (When)
Hit Against a Rock," but even that is giving it more credit than is due. I
mean, when you get down to it, a blank CD has all the fun, but at a
mini-fraction of the cost. I don't want a POS like this being graced with
the title that was once bestowed on the likes of Final Fantasy Tactics and
Final Fantasy VII. That'd be like You Got Served being No 1 in the box
office.
Oh,
wait. I hate my life.
06.01.04- Garfield the Movie: I liked the Garfield cartoon when I
was kid, but this new movie looks like its going to redefine the meaning of
"fucking garbage." Whoever decided to make a live action movie about
everyone's favorite fat cat needs a nice kick in their fat head.
05.24.04- Minivan Vanity: I hate vanity plates. Unless they say
something rude or related to pirates, they're pointless. I mean, great, your
license plate says HOME O, what do you think people are going to do? "Oh,
wow, that guys a Home Owner, I'm not going to run him off the road now.
Or, you have some nice, sexy, sports car, and then you have to go an ruin
the whole god-damn thing by getting a plate that says HOTA555. You're not
hot, and having a 120,000 dollar car doesn't make you hot, it just makes you
a gigantic prick. The only flaw in that plan is that just because you are
one, doesn't mean you have one.
What I really love, though, is when I see
Minivans with vanity plates. You're driving a mini-van. You're not cool.
Instead of getting a plate that says SCCRM0M, why don't you stop being such
a gigantic tool and get a car that isn't going to rape the environment? The only exception to this rule,
of course, is the plate S3XYM0M. If you have this license plate, tell
me, I'm voting for you in November.
05.17.04- Jaws: A few weeks ago, I was watching Moonraker, and I
started thinking about Jaws, everyone's favorite metal-mouthed villain. I
don't get it. How does having metal teeth make this fellow nigh-invincible?
I mean, I had braces for almost a year, and I know that I wouldn't have been
able to survive half the stuff he did. Bond tried to shoot him, get
him crushed under ancient ruins, electrocute him, throw him into a pool of
sharks and nothing could stop this bad-ass. I had enough trouble surviving
popcorn and gum.
Ok, so maybe
he works out. But no one, not even
The Schwarzenegger,
could survive this stuff. Unless, of course, the teeth were made of uranium.
Then he'd obviously be (positively) mutated by the radioactivity, but I've
found that most radiation victims become superheroes, not man-chomping
maniacs, so something's fishy.
05.10.04-Previews Pt 2: As I noted last week, the movie industry
hates me. They show this more and more the more previews I see. Sure, it’s
nice to have something to look forward to, and to see a few seconds of
another movie, but I don’t like seeing the entire plot of the fucking
movie before it even comes out.
I
don’t know about you, but I enjoy being surprised in entertainment; that’s
one of my favorite parts about 24, you never know what’s coming. Many movies
are also filled with unexpected twists and surprises, even comedies, as
humor is essentially presenting the unexpected, but previews manage to ruin
this, without fail. And, if they manage to keep the plot under wraps, they
show every single good moment in the movie, so when you go, you expect the
whole movie to be like that, when in reality, it blows. Hard.
05.04.04- Previews: Now, don’t get me wrong, I like to see what’s
coming up on the movie horizon, however, I wish they wouldn’t both so
enticing and distracting. I go to the theater, pumped to see some violent
kicking of ass, for instance, and every single preview they show is for some
lighthearted, up-beat comedy. By the third preview, I’ve forgotten what
movie I’m seeing, and by the time I do remember, I don’t even want to see it
anymore. I already knew the movie industry hated me but c’mon, this is just
insulting.
04.26.04- American Idol: The first time around, I'll give you
some leeway; it was a new and exciting concept. But come on, people.
The floor tiles in my bathroom are more interesting and less predictable
than this crap. If you watch this show, I'm sorry if I offended you. Oh,
wait. I'm not. You suck.
04.13.04- Our Stupidity as a People: A
semi-recent poll of our nation’s youth (18-24) has revealed, shockingly,
that we are gigantic morons. This query of geographic knowledge revealed
that 11 percent of youngsters can’t even locate the US on a map. That’s like
not knowing what your house looks like. I suppose I should be surprised that
nearly 30% don’t know the Pacific Ocean from their ass, or that almost 70%
can’t locate the UK. But, I’m not.
I’ve always harbored a suspicion that I am
one of the solitary islands of intelligence, however marginal, in an
unimaginably vast Sea of Stupidity, and it’s being proven more and more
correct. Also, note that only 1/4 of students in America are able to write
at their grade level. It’s real bad news for a country when their average
citizen is below average. God Bless America, because we need all the
fucking help we can get. As I think about it, ”E Pluribus Unum,” “Out of
Many, One” seems to fit particularly well for our country. However, it is
distressing that the reason it fits so well is because it takes many, many,
many average Americans to make the intelligence of one rather dumb goldfish.
03.29.04- “Bertie Bott's © Harry Potter Jelly Beans:”
I’m sure many of you have seen
these on the shelf somewhere, and I’ve always been curious about
them, and the other day my grandma acquired some. They’re jelly beans, I
guess based on something from Harry potter, that taste like things like ear
wax, dirt, grass, boogers, and vomit, in addition to the regular flavors.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I could not even begin to contemplate a
company actually spending the time and money to develop flavors like that,
so I assumed that they were a joke; for example, I expected dirt to be some
sort of chocolate flavor.
It wasn’t. I have never tasted such an accurate representation of dirt in
candy form. Never mind the fact that candy is supposed to be sweet, or at
least reminiscent of sugar, and this reminded me of liking the bottom of my
shoes. Even now, after having tasted- and nearly gagged on- a few of the
more repugnant flavors, I can not believe their existence. What kind of
god-damned moron company would make candy like that? I mean, they had to
spend good money paying people to figure out the formula to make candy that
tastes like fucking dirt. And then expect people to buy it? Sure, you may
fool some people (Like me) into buying it by piquing their curiosity, but
come on, don’t try to pass it off as real candy.
And people wonder why we’re in a recession. I’ll give you some hints- it’s
not the President, it starts with an “s,” and it ends with an “hitty
candy.“
03.23.04-My Gaming Skillz, Pt 2: Continuing
last time’s self-deprecating entry, I suck at videogames. There was once a
time where (in my mind) I was known far and wide for my massive gaming
prowess, among other things. Now, I am known for the massive amounts that I
am capable of sucking. Not only am I entirely unable to compete in online,
multiplayer matches against real, possibly skilled, humans, but I am also
entirely brutalized by even the most moronic AI.
And I don’t know about you, but when I’m playing Unreal
Tournament, and even “imrickjamesbitch” is doing better than me, I feel like
committing suicide. Which is probably how my score ended up at -16.
03.16.04- My Gaming Skillz: I’m not sure when
this happened, but I suck at video games. Example: Last week, I
popped my old Doom II CD into my “Machine,” and I was summarily shot, bit,
slashed, burned and ravaged into oblivion. Mind you, I’m playing on “I’m Too
Young to Die,” also known as “Hella’ Easy.” Now, normally, I could just
dismiss this as the fault of the developers, but another fact must first be
considered. Doom II was the first computer game I ever played, when it
first came out, when I was 5. I didn’t even own a computer, but my mom’s
friend did, and he would find himself being kicked off the computer, for
hours or days at a time, quite often. At this point, which I will now refer
to as “The Golden Years,” I would play in “Ultra Violence” mode, which
essentially explains itself. And I would beat the game, on this difficulty
setting. When I was five. Now, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend, or rather, a
simple occurrence, in many other games as well, but I figure this is enough
for one day.
03.07.04-Flash-tastic: I hate ads like
this.
I don’t know why the hell they chose that color scheme, or why they
chose that wording, but I do know that the only thing you win when you see
that ad, is a free seizure. Personally, I have no need for a “Free
Seizure!” ™ but for those of you who do, it’s your lucky day, because
they’ve got an unlimited supply.
01.26.04- John Basedow: This is the
guy who is praised as being ultra-hyper fit, and yet, apparently, cannot
move below the neck. Watch any of his infinitely numerous
commercials/infomercials, and you will notice that he seems unable to turn,
bend, or flex in any way. He stands there, chest and stomach bulging with
testosterone, arms bent at the elbows and suspended a few inches out from
his sides. However, don’t give up hope for this poor, paralyzed soul.
Apparently, he has regained some function in his fingers, because he is able
to hold up his videos for display. I guess greed is the best medicine.
12.07.03- Cleaning Up Snow: I hate the
cleaning up of snow. I don't hate the action of it, since I'd never engage
in such a thing, but I find the mere idea of it heinous. I mean, this is
what I wait all year for: a huge snow storm, my winter wonderland, and
everyone around me takes it upon themselves to clean it the heck up. If I'm
lucky, it snows so much, as it is at the moment, that people just can't
handle it, and I actually am able to enjoy it for a little while. So, here's
to hoping people lay off for a little while, or the weather keeps up for
long while. *cheers*
11.3.03- Page Minimums: This
is a point on which I am thoroughly confused. English teachers, or even just
supposed connoisseurs of English literature, often praise those who can pack
a great amount of meaning into a small amount of wordage. Why, then, are
there page minimums on essays and other assorted papers? Those who spend way
too much time working for school, who I have already mentioned my distaste
for, often think that the more pages, the better. I feel like smacking these
people in the face with a large, heavy, dongly, thing. These kids are too
dumb and too preoccupied with getting into "good colleges" that they don't
even see the real goal of what they're doing, and yet, they are praised as
the intelligent ones. Am I the only one who thinks this?
Tell me
otherwise.
10.26.03-
Banned Commercial Shows: I'm
sure that you've seen these, or at least heard of them. These are the shows
that showcase a variety of commercials that were "banned" from all over the
world for being to shocking, sexy, violent, etc. Some of them are quite
amusing, so it's not the show itself I am truly attacking. It's the fact
that, even though you are watching a show comprised entirely of commercials,
you still have to endure 5 minutes of crappy ads every 3 minutes. I love
television.
9.29.03-
Cannibalism: I don't see why cannibalism gets such a bad rap. I mean, you
gotta do what you gotta do, even if that means eating people. Don't get
me wrong, it isn't something you want to get in the habit of doing, but I
can think of many people who deserve to have a good wholesome bite or
two taken out of them. It is known that many people have starved to
death as a result of their reluctance to eat their fellow man, so I have a
solution to this problem. Whenever you go out on an outing that may possibly
result in you being stranded for weeks, days, or hours, be sure to bring
along a fellow, or fellowette, whose company you do not enjoy. In fact, I
feel that this a such a prudent method of showing your feelings to some one,
if you ever have negative feelings about someone, simply take out your spork
and begin your feast.
9.22.03-
"The Blame Game": This requires some background information. We recently watched a video
entitled "The Blame Game," which basically just showed how America is full
of whiners who can't face up the the consequences of their actions. Y'know,
like the people who sue McDonalds because they can't stop eating their food.
But, don't blame them, it's not their fault, its McDonald's. The food is
just too good, they can't control themselves. Then comes the crack
addicts who are too cracked out to work, so we give them welfare checks.
That's nice of us, huh? Wouldn't it make more sense to arrest these people
instead of giving them money to buy more crack and either use it or sell it?
Not to mention the fact that this video shows a man admitting to doing
heroin, acid, and the like, and shows him dealing it to people. I
guess the cameraman must just be a real nice guy. However, considering the
fact that this video has been aired on national television, don't you figure
at least one person has seen it who can get this guy? Then again, its not
his fault, its the crack.
9.11.03-Homeless People Get Cold Too:
Someone please explain this too me: What do homeless people in
Westchester have to do with Sept. 11th? If I was asked the same question, I
would say, "Homeless people? Zilch. Zero. Zip. Nothing-o-rama." And so, I
wonder why drive to gather new blankets for homeless people is associated
with September 11th. To my knowledge, it's not some sort of national holiday
organized by the Homeless People's Front, so why this date? Don't get me
wrong, I think that the rampant homelessness and poverty in our country is a
big problem indeed, but I do question the means used to solve it. Is it
necessary to go off and milk a tragedy like that? Anyways, all I'm
saying is don't be surprised if next year we're hearing about the Food for
Africans who were
not
affected by September 11th.
9.9.03-Animalese:
Children are our futures, so it is our duty to give them the right tools to
prepare themselves for adulthood. My personal favorite is anything involving
the sounds of animals. Most kids these days will rarely see cows horses,
sheep, and goats, so why are these machines necessary? Sure, knowing how to
recognize farm animals is a good party trick, but our youths have better
things to do than learn how to speak goat. And this is certainly not an
isolated occurrence. Aside from the quazillions of pure-bred animal toys,
they have branched into everything possible. Some toys have reasonable
purposed- the toy steering wheel/dashboards. They're pretty realistic, with
a shifter, blinkers, plastic box (radio), and even various awesome sirens. I
look at these toys longingly, and then I see their final feature;
CatDogDuck. I cannot begin to comprehend its purpose. Is there some sort of
irresistible allure that animal noises present to small children? Sure, I
love moos as much as the next guy, even the occasional quack, but
incorporating this feature is still about 19 steps too far. Well, I have to
go study; I have a test in Sheepish 2 tomorrow. Mooooo.
9.3.03- "Airplane
Clappage": I've noticed a disturbing trend recently; people
seem to have this undeniable urge to start clapping on airplanes. I suppose
I can understand clapping when the airplanes land, considering that 1 in
7.71 million fliers are getting killed, less likely than a car accident, or even
because you're overjoyed that the flight is over, since planes are so slow,
crawling along at 500 miles an hours. However, people have begun to clap
after turbulence. And I'm not talking about, "Holy Crap!" turbulence, I'm
talking you need some sort of portable seismographic device to even notice
it. So, I suggest that we enact a new plan to decrease Airline Stupidity.
Pilots should simulate a crash landing approximately every 2.785 minutes,
and after 15 minutes of this, those suckers will be more tired than me after
walking 10 feet uphill, and besides, they won't be clapping again until they get a
change of pants. |
