I Told You So (And I wrote it down) Vol. I
Hurrah, an advice column! This week we're addressing the US Government! The fat cats we all know and love in the District of Columbia have been having a pretty tought time dealing with immigration lately, and I'm nothing if not a patriot, so I figured I'd offer the republican caucaus some sage advice. In case you haven't noticed, we have two very long borders: the cold one and the hot one.
I'd like to take them one at a time, if you please. First, teh problem of our neighbors to the North. To be honest, this one is pretty easy. Have any of you guys been to Canada? Sure, it's cold, but they've got free health care, legal marijuana, maple syrup, bacon, curling, and, this is the deal sealer: Mounties. Oh, they also totally have porno on regular TV after 10. Sorry O'Reilly, but most Canadians would rather sleep with a moose than move to the US. (And once and for all, that's a myth, we Canadians love our moose, but not that much.)
Ah, but what about the senor(ita)s to the south? I've heard some of you want to build a wall I know you've all heard of Berlin (David Hasselhof performed there once, remember?) and I gurantee you that the wall didn't come down because God hates commies and thus made it so. (Though god does most assuredly. Hate commies. And make walls fall, but only if there are horns and Jews involved.) They couldn't wall off half of a city, what makes you think we can wall off half a continent? (Besides the fact that America> USSR , etc, etc) Now, if you're willing to make a slight break from policy and spend the slightest bit of money and/or effort on Education, I've got a foolproof, win-win plan: we pay to teach every Mexican English. Either they'll fall in love with the wonderful phonetic logic of our language and are hence able to learn our laws and become much more productyive workers and hopefully citizens, or they use their newfound knowledge to read an American newspaper, see how wonderfully you are leading our country, and promptly get the fuck outta Dodge.
I'd like to take them one at a time, if you please. First, teh problem of our neighbors to the North. To be honest, this one is pretty easy. Have any of you guys been to Canada? Sure, it's cold, but they've got free health care, legal marijuana, maple syrup, bacon, curling, and, this is the deal sealer: Mounties. Oh, they also totally have porno on regular TV after 10. Sorry O'Reilly, but most Canadians would rather sleep with a moose than move to the US. (And once and for all, that's a myth, we Canadians love our moose, but not that much.)
Ah, but what about the senor(ita)s to the south? I've heard some of you want to build a wall I know you've all heard of Berlin (David Hasselhof performed there once, remember?) and I gurantee you that the wall didn't come down because God hates commies and thus made it so. (Though god does most assuredly. Hate commies. And make walls fall, but only if there are horns and Jews involved.) They couldn't wall off half of a city, what makes you think we can wall off half a continent? (Besides the fact that America> USSR , etc, etc) Now, if you're willing to make a slight break from policy and spend the slightest bit of money and/or effort on Education, I've got a foolproof, win-win plan: we pay to teach every Mexican English. Either they'll fall in love with the wonderful phonetic logic of our language and are hence able to learn our laws and become much more productyive workers and hopefully citizens, or they use their newfound knowledge to read an American newspaper, see how wonderfully you are leading our country, and promptly get the fuck outta Dodge.
2 Comments:
yay finaly
-george
By Anonymous, at 9/27/2006 8:59 PM
you could have told me it was running again you sniveling little bitch. i know i promised never to hit you again, but i can still give you the pirate torture.
Pirate Torture:
1)Tie rope around balls
2)Put rope through hook/pulley on ceiling
3)Slowly raise rope until the weight of your own body causes your dick and the rest of your body to separate in a most unpleasant way.
Dont ya just love the history channel.
-CONNOR
By Anonymous, at 10/03/2006 1:36 PM
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